I have been redoing the lounge wall of my house and wanted to add a frame with an ‘ayah’ from the Quran. I was finding picking the right one very difficult, since there were so many great ones to choose from. So, I stalled the decision and like I always do, I waited and prayed for the ‘ayah’ to choose me instead. Few days later, I felt that my attention kept on going to this one particular ayah “And Allah is not unaware of what you do”. It didn't really seem to fit in my choice of ayah, because I always thought this was a matter of fact thing. I always prided myself of being sufficiently scared Allah (swt), in case I am about to do anything out of line. That is how I always comprehended this ayah, a reminder of staying on the straight path. What I wanted for the wall was a reminder of something that I often forgot or that I wanted my family to be exposed to all the time. But since my attention kept on going back to this one, I decided to go ahead and put it up.
Last few three nights have been particularly difficult with my two year old. Since I am on the road to weaning her off, she has been really restless and demanding. Along with the physical pain that I myself am going through along with not getting any sleep and the painful demands of a headstrong child; it’s safe to say that I have been really down in the dumps. So last night at 3 am when for the 5th time she asked me to pick her up and walk around the room and outside (complaining of tummy ache, ear ache and what not ache) I couldn't help feeling extremely agitated to the point of just collapsing. Feeling of helplessness, irritation and it all just being so unfair started clouding my senses. Just then my eyes stopped at the frame in the hall way..... “and Allah is not unaware of what you do” ..... My heart did a double take, when an entirely new meaning of this beautiful ayah appeared before me - something that I never ever thought of this ‘ayah’ before. At that point I literally felt that Allah (swt) spoke to me. Telling me that He sees it, He sees my struggles even if no one does. Even if I will never be paid back for the hard work I put in during these nights, the pain that I go through at so many stages of this whole process of child birth to child rearing, the tears I shed for this child, the apparent unfairness that this “motherhood” business brings with it. EVERYTHING! HE sees it and doesn't judge me for it. Because unlike us mortals, HE doesn't see the mistakes that I make and all the shortcomings that have, HE sees my struggles. HE appreciates the pain I go through when I try and do whatever I can to bring comfort to this child, even when I fail miserably at it, over and over again.
I couldn't help tears rolling down my cheeks; HE is just too kind for words. HE lifts us up when we are down; HE makes us stronger than iron and mushier than fluff. HE is always watching over us, always loving us, we are just so busy feeling all the other weird things in life than to feel his love and his closeness.
I am weak and I falter, I judge people for the choices they make, but in reality I shouldn't and I can’t. All of us are stragglers, warriors, helpless weaklings stumbling through the canvas of our respective lives, doing the best we can. I just wanted to remind myself and all my fellow women, to just focus on the effort and not let people, circumstances, your own expectations/standards etc make you feel small.
No matter what choices we end up making, Allah (swt) knows the sincerity behind our efforts, so stay strong All. Knowing that you are loved by the one whose love is unmatched and who has your back at all times.
Last few three nights have been particularly difficult with my two year old. Since I am on the road to weaning her off, she has been really restless and demanding. Along with the physical pain that I myself am going through along with not getting any sleep and the painful demands of a headstrong child; it’s safe to say that I have been really down in the dumps. So last night at 3 am when for the 5th time she asked me to pick her up and walk around the room and outside (complaining of tummy ache, ear ache and what not ache) I couldn't help feeling extremely agitated to the point of just collapsing. Feeling of helplessness, irritation and it all just being so unfair started clouding my senses. Just then my eyes stopped at the frame in the hall way..... “and Allah is not unaware of what you do” ..... My heart did a double take, when an entirely new meaning of this beautiful ayah appeared before me - something that I never ever thought of this ‘ayah’ before. At that point I literally felt that Allah (swt) spoke to me. Telling me that He sees it, He sees my struggles even if no one does. Even if I will never be paid back for the hard work I put in during these nights, the pain that I go through at so many stages of this whole process of child birth to child rearing, the tears I shed for this child, the apparent unfairness that this “motherhood” business brings with it. EVERYTHING! HE sees it and doesn't judge me for it. Because unlike us mortals, HE doesn't see the mistakes that I make and all the shortcomings that have, HE sees my struggles. HE appreciates the pain I go through when I try and do whatever I can to bring comfort to this child, even when I fail miserably at it, over and over again.
I couldn't help tears rolling down my cheeks; HE is just too kind for words. HE lifts us up when we are down; HE makes us stronger than iron and mushier than fluff. HE is always watching over us, always loving us, we are just so busy feeling all the other weird things in life than to feel his love and his closeness.
I am weak and I falter, I judge people for the choices they make, but in reality I shouldn't and I can’t. All of us are stragglers, warriors, helpless weaklings stumbling through the canvas of our respective lives, doing the best we can. I just wanted to remind myself and all my fellow women, to just focus on the effort and not let people, circumstances, your own expectations/standards etc make you feel small.
No matter what choices we end up making, Allah (swt) knows the sincerity behind our efforts, so stay strong All. Knowing that you are loved by the one whose love is unmatched and who has your back at all times.