I am still trying to process all the many conflicting emotions I experienced during my trip. I want to shout out to the world about the love I fell in love with, about the moments I experienced that were larger than life, about the beauty my eyes witnessed, the people who made me proud to belong to human race, about the comfort my soul experienced, about the way my nafs begged me to take it back to its comfort zone, about the times I broke down, about the many times I cringed at people, or when I held back the urge to snap, to shake people into being responsible or of the times I felt I would not be able to take one more step. I felt small, I felt shallow, I felt fortunate, I felt blessed, I felt humbled, I felt irritated, I felt elated, I felt weak.
I felt all that and more, but one thing that I felt more than any other emotion was my insignificance. Standing shoulder to shoulder among the rows of people of all forms, shapes, sizes, sects and countries, I was a nobody. Who am I? and who is the person standing next to me? Is the person next to me prettier, healthier, richer, smarter, more educated or more affluent? We both are standing in front of our master who has called both of us here - together, today and right now.
.... I learnt how unimportant all those dividing factors really are, all the labels we run after, all the goals we want to achieve, nothing has any worth. Only one thing really matters - Allah hu Akbar! We all bowed down to the same master, we all humbled ourselves to that one beautiful source of all that is pure. When it doesn't matter to him that how we dress, or how we talk or what we drive or how we pray then what are we trying to achieve in this life and for whose sake?
For me, there is nothing to prove anymore, I don't feel the need to convince someone the importance of prayer, or why one needs to follow Allah's commandments ..... cause one thing I have learnt and experienced first hand.....that He(swt) doesn't need us. If I pray today or if I din't ..... it won't take away from his grandeur. No matter how many accidents happen, no matter how many people die in that holy land, the tawaf will not stop. The azaan will not stop and the namaz will not stop. A place where life itself loses its significance is what Kaaba is. And if that's what Kaaba is, imagine what Allah (swt) is, who gave Kaaba it's galore. We can chose to not see and not obey ..... it won't matter to Allah, it won't take away from the perfection of this deen. But it will matter to us, we will keep on breaking down, cringing, falling in despair, craving for love, looking for that missing piece that will complete our hearts, that will put our souls to rest. We will never find peace till we accept the only one reality that supersedes all the lies we have been feeding our senses - that we are the servants and He (SWT) is our master, that we are insignificant and he has all the power.
Its been almost a week that I am back, but I feel empty. I feel lost and disoriented. I am trying to comprehend what I feel. I think all I can currently feel is pity. Pity for myself and for all others. For myself that I took this long and that my path is long and that I am weak....and for others cause their time is ticking away. I feel urgency for us all. To get back, to help ourselves. To stay put.
We have the ocean yet we chose to stay dirty, we have the river yet we wish to remain thirsty, we have the guidance but we chose to stay lost. We have the most powerful weapon to make our way through this life, still we chose to beg and crawl our way through.
We have a thousand words, our media and our politicians can debate infinite lengths of carefully worded mindless gibberish. We can share our opinions on social media like there is no tomorrow, we can prove others wrong and our selves right but we just cannot see the truth that is right in our face.
We aren't learning, we aren't growing, we are simply moving in circles, in infinite loops of misery cause we are refusing to open our eyes and stop dreaming. We chose to sleep. We chose to drown and repeatedly ask who's fault is it, anyway?
May Allah help us all, may Allah wake us all. May Allah keep our eyes open and on the goal. As Muslims we have nothing to prove to anyone, what we have is priceless. The only one who needs convincing is our very own self.
Put your forehead on the ground and taste the sweetness of dua, fall in love with your rabb and know the meaning of love, unchain yourself from self afflicted miseries and know what freedom is...
La illaha illa anta subhanakka inni kuntum Minazalimeen.
“…There are none worthy of worship besides You. Glorified are You. Surely I am from the wrongdoers.” (21:87)